“I’m a Murderer, “You’re a Hero!”

When I woke up I gasped.  The world looked so much more beautiful. It was almost as if the world went from black and white to full of color.  Albeit with a ruby red tinge. 

Then I gasped again. I was in a strange little town with short squat houses and a variety of colored brick paths spiraling around each other then diverging as they exited the town into the great unknown.  The houses, besides only being ten feet high, were also very haphazardly colorful with, say, different sides painted different colors; for this instance one side blue and one side brown; with pink splotches randomly assorted on the blue side and orange on the other. They were also arranged in a meticulously circular order around the center of the town where all the colored paths ran together in a beautiful spiral.

Yet the town had an eerie feel to it.  Despite its vibrancy it was a ghost town. I couldn’t see any people. I walked all over, looking in every nook and cranny for anyone. Finally, when I got hungry, I decided to enter a house hoping there may have been some food left behind when the population fled.

I found the door locked.  I tried again.  This time I heard panicked voices coming from inside.

“Do you think he’s a witch?”

“He can’t be, he’s not a girl.”

“Well, that’s biased!”

“No, it’s not.  A guy witch is called a warlock.”

“Well then, do you think it’s a warlock?”

A third voice chimed in. “No warlock has been seen in Oz in thousands of years. Besides, he’s not green, so he can’t be an evil warlock.”

“Don’t be a pigmintist,” chimed in the first voice.”

“I’m not a witch or a warlock” I said. “I don’t even know where I am.  I’m just a person like you guys are.”

One of them opened the door a peak. “We’re not people, were Munchkins.”

“Like from the Wizard of Oz?”

“The wizard was not a munchkin!”

“No, I mean the movie.”

“What’s a movie? Some kind of weapon? Or maybe a hypnotizing spell!”

Now I was scared.  People who claimed they weren’t people was bad enough. But people who didn’t know what a movie was? How whacked up could you get? Where on earth was I? Mars?

“Lord Leopold, what kind of a cruel joke is this?!” I screamed. “These people don’t even know what a movie is! Where am I, a torture chamber in Siberia?”

“You know who Lord Leopold is?” the first voice asked.

“Everybody knows who King Leopold is,” said the second voice. “That won’t win me over.”

“Hold on,” I said, suddenly lost in thought. Munchkin. Little Munch. “Do you guys know Little Munch?”

“Wait, you know Little Munch?  The cousin of our 4,236^th Mayor Smalkin?”

“Yeah, I work(not) sorry, worked at the same circus he does, Big Top Co.”

At that, the door opened.  Four people, excuse me, munchkins, two men and two women, came out.  They were barely four feet high, and they all wore clothing that matched the house.

One of the two men, who I identified as the second speaker asked me, “Are you completely ordinary, with nothing magical about you, with no talent or special abilities, and average strength, speed, and stamina?”

“(Sniff, sniff) yes!!!”

“Your perfect!”  The four munchkins said, joining hands and dancing in a circle around me. They then made a weird whistling sound. All of a sudden, doors flew open, munchkins pouring into the street.  They all milled around talking to each other trying to figure out why the other four had whistled.

“Quiet!  Quiet, everybody,” said a voice that pushed its way through the crowd.  When it finally arrived, I saw that it belonged to a tiny man, even for a munchkin, just barely three feet high.

“Mm, hello,” I said nervously.  “Are you Smalkin?”

“Yes, yes,” said Smalkin.  “How do you know my name?”

“These munchkins over here told me,” I said, referencing the four I had been talking to.

“Tibit, you gave the whistle,” said Smalkin.  “Your convinced he’s a human and not a witch?”

“Warlock, sir. I mean yes, yes, he’s definitely an unexciting, boring, completely ordinary human. I just finished questioning him.”

Turning towards me, Smalkin said, “Hmm, you don’t look like an ordinary human. You have an outlandish outfit and a ridiculous looking face. I would trust you with those red shoes, but they don’t look like slippers. How did you get here anyway?” 

“As far as the costume, it’s a clown suit.  And this is just face paint,” I said, wiping some of it off. “I don’t fully know how I got here, I was only in a tornado simulator ride at a carnival the circus I worked at, called Big Top Co., was hosting, and it felt like I was in a real tornado…then I woke up, and here I am.”

“Hmm, I got a message from King Leopold saying our hero would come from a circus!”

Then turning toward the other munchkins he said, “Let’s celebrate! Our savior has arrived!”

“Savior from what?” I asked, but got no answer as all the munchkins started dancing around in circles and singing.

I got my answer soon enough. After about fifteen minutes of the munchkins dancing around with me hopelessly trying to stop them to get an answer; I heard a faint airplane like sound in the sky.  I looked up and only saw a tiny black dot. Gradually, the sound increased. The munchkins stopped dead in their tracks, all looking at the dot in the sky.  Then they all ran around in circles again, this time in panic.

“Smalkin, Tibit! What’s happening?  Why is everyone freaking out?”

But they just ran around as crazy as everyone else. I looked up again squinting.

“No,” I mumbled, that can’t be. As the dot came closer it looked like a woman sitting on something flying through the air. I rubbed my eyes, I pinched myself. Nothing changed. As it came closer still, it was unmistakably a woman on a … broom?! And she was headed straight for us!

The closer she got the more frenzied the munchkins were. Finally, she almost crashed into the pavement bumbing up and down three times. Then she dismounted off her broom.

I was startled. Her appearance was rather odd.  She wore a ratted black dress with a pointed black hat that looked like one that witches on tv wear, but with a pair of pilot goggles on it. Her middle age face wore a permanent scowl, and her hair was in a tight business-like bun. But the strangest thing about her was that she had green skin!

She walked toward the center of the town, where the colored brick paths were. The munchkins, who had become very still when she landed, made a path for her. 

“Cralga!” She shouted in a raspy voice.  Suddenly, a beautiful water fountain appeared.

“I knew it! I knew it!” she yelled.  “Using an invisibility spell to hide a water fountain. Thought you little baboons would outsmart me, huh, Smalkin?!”

“Which one of you did it?” she said. “Was it you?” she said turning to one side sneering in several munchkins` faces. They all jumped back. “Or was it you?!” she snarled in several other munchkins faces.  They also cowered before her.

“Smalkin! Where are you, you dirty ape! Show yourself, or I’ll burn this whole sorry excuse for a petting zoo to cinders! You’re lucky I don’t kill all of you worthless fat pigs for treason!”

Smalkin bravely came forward.  “Please, we need water. Water to drink! Water to grow our crops so we don’t starve to death!  Why can’t East-West see that?”

“You dare question her Majesty East-West?”  “Azshalda!” she yelled, throwing a fireball into a group of munchkins.  Luckily, none of them were hurt, but they all scattered in terror. 

At that point, I had had enough. I didn’t know what was going on, but I couldn’t stand bullies. 

“Hey!” I yelled. “Leave them alone!”

She turned towards me. “And who are you!” “Your not as short as the munchkins but you sure are as fat as them.  Where did you come from?”

“Kansas. I don’t know how I got here, except that I was in a tornado simulator.”

“Kansas, tornado,” she said through gritted teeth.  “Smalkin, now I know you’re a traitor. I’m gonna burn this village down when I’m done with him.”

She advanced towards me.  I backed away, my courage melting (hey, can you blame me? This lady just shot a fireball!)

“Alright, buster,” she said, poking me in the chest.  “Who do you think you are?”

         I backed up.

“Answer me!  Who do you think you are?  Some kind of Dorothy?”  She said, poking me in the chest again with her extremely long, gnarled finger.

“What are you talking about? I mean, I had a grandma named Dorothy Plaid but don’t ask about the name, my dad said she died before I was born in a skydiving accident. You`re not talking about her are you?  Because you don’t look that old.”

“You dare mock me!” she screamed.  “I’ll blow your heart out.  Kleisa Fersa!” Then a small ball of fire appeared on her pointer finger. 

“Die!” Then she yelled, about to poke me in the chest. Time seemed to slow down. I cried, covered my face, and like an idiot didn’t move. She poked the flower on my clown outfit.

Scwelch!  The witch screamed in pain. I uncovered my face, nearly fainting from wooziness. The top two segments of her right pointer finger were gone.  There was some green sludge on the ground.

“Aahh!!!” she screamed again.

“Oh my gosh, you must have had an allergic reaction to something in the flower! Here, water will help,” I said reassuringly, then I sprayed her again.  This time both her legs below the knee melted into green sludge.

“Aahh!!! Aahh!!!” she screamed, writhing in pain.

“It must be really bad.  Here, more water will help.”  I began spraying her repeatedly, and each time another part of her melted. She began to say “You idiot-” but I squirted her in the face first.

         Finally, she said, “What a world, what a world,” before completely turning into green sludge.  All that was left was her broom, dress, hat, and pilot goggles.

         There was a stunned silence.

“Oh my gosh, I killed her,” I sobbed.  “I’m a murderer (snif,snif,snif) a filthy murderer.”

But the munchkins erupted into cheering. They crowded around me, hoisting me into the air. Then they all began to sing, more like yell: “The witch is dead, the witch is dead; hurray, hurray, for the wicked witch is dead.”

“I’m a murderer,” I cried. “A murderer!” I continued to sob, but I couldn’t be heard over the wicked witch is dead chant, as the munchkins continued to jubilantly carry me forward.